I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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