I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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