Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We are all done wearing pants today
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
