my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
