I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
