I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
