I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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