i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
