He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
