The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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