Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
