How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
