Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
