i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
