Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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