Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
