he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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