Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Actions speak louder than pants.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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