how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
