if only i could text you this smell
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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