the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
