Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
