The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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