mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
