my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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