I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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