it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
