ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
