How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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