If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
