apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
