Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
