Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
