I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
