she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
