today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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