the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
