She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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