I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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