I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
