it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
