In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
