That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
