I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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