Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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