I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
