the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
