I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
