I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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