I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
