So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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