my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
