its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
